Or maybe my memory is just bad.

And the company-wide email says, "the bets we made were the right ones."

But the right be for us would have been not losing our friends at work. The people we show up for, certainly not the dude who sent the email.

A.I. may not take your job, but it will probably take the funding for it.

...the friends we made along the way.

This happens ALL THE TIME.

There was a time I thought I found my people, but it didn't last. I used to hang out every Saturday. We'd talk books, movies, TV, video games, or whatever was popular culture of the time. I even asked one of the guys to be my best man in my wedding. (He kinda ghosted me and someone I knew even less stood in. That stand up dude was swell, but damn I bet this was weird to him in retrospect.)

One time I was renting video tapes with my girlfriend when she excitedly squeed about one of the boxes on the shelf. The Doom Generation had a Rose McGowan cover and she was a big fan. We rented something else that day. Later that evening someone who worked at the store called my house to accuse us of stealing the box. It turned out to be a prank from someone I was in high school with. I don't want this memory, there's nothing good I can do with it other than highlight that people can suck and my girlfriend had good taste. This just made me feel unwanted as the butt of a joke. Some folks told me to get over it, but that means what? Forget it? That's not how memory works. Detach my emotions from it? Ok, tell me how. Look for the positive? That movie sucked but we had good enough taste to recognize it.

I moved to a new state because I didn't feel like I belonged. There's a good amount of bless-your-heart masking and while most of those folks have good intentions, the lack of sincerity hurt my brain. I'm optimistic about people, always have been. My tone sometimes reflects otherwise, but tone can be misrepresented pretty easily.

There's more to this for me to explore.

I worked at The Lakeland Center for this show. It was my first concert working there so I didn't get to watch much (my girlfriend's uncle got me the job and I didn't want to fuck that up), but I saw a couple songs from Incubus, Korn, Limp Bizkit and Orgy. I don't remember Rammstein, I should remember fire or heat, but I don't. I was fresh into college, I guess that's why it's called being a freshman. I had shoulder length dyed-black hair. I wore one of those giant ball bearing necklaces. Your typical goth kid in a state too hot to constantly wear black.

I was mopping up water from a toilet leaking in the bathroom, amongst the urine as well because of bad aimers, and one of the roadies for Korn said "You look like you don't belong here. Wanna to join us for the rest of the tour?" I laughed, said I just started college and this job. He laughed and went about his business.

I'm pretty sure this happened as I've told this story a couple times since. But who's to say they weren't just messing with me. Either way, life sure would have been different.

Started a painting of my love and accidentally made her sad on the first pass.

I'll fix it in the next pass.

Books and fun stuff:

Dungeon Crawler Carl series is very fun, cool, awesome.

Folded some paper with my niece.

She chose me! I'm the chosen one. And I didn't even graduate from a good school or nuthin'.

Coffee and reading in the mornings has been a true mental health changer for me. I think it fills the old transition of commuting to an office downtown.

A new sticker that Emily gave me.

Cat tax!

I want to scream. I will scream.

It's weird hearing the values you were raised to be believe growing up aren't actually valued by the people teaching them.

Rules for thee but not for me. Why?

You reap what you sow. Karma comes back around. Universal balance.

Nectarine Oatmeal cookies were a bigger hit among my testers.

I ended up with extra cookies this round, so if I continue making this much dough, I'll need to find more testers.

I'm making cookies now!

The first batch is Cornflake Oatmeal Chocolate Chip. There is a crunchy version where the outer rim is crispy and the middle is softer and chewy. There is a softer version that has a very similar flavor, but the mouth feel is more cakey. They are both my delicious children and I cannot choose a favorite. Crispy!

First you gotta powder half the flakes and most of the oats.

And then you give them a good wangjangle and you bake them.

And then you soften up the batter with a little leche love.

And yesterday one of my best friends came over for lunch and brought these beauties.

And the Ghost Horse of Dead Horse Beach made the water tower crooked.

And then a bunny!

And then a squirrel! Say hi Cherry!

All of this was mostly to say. I'm healthier and doing fine after all that cancer garbage.

Hello again.

OPERATION STOMA REMOVAL will be underway in a week and a half and I'll no longer be pooping in a special way. I will miss my toilet vacation, but will not miss the extra way I've been living life these past couple months.

I've been trying to live regularly lately. Actually leaving the house on purpose for things other than coffee and pastries. Sadly, with this next recovery period, that will have to go on pause until mid-to-late December. I truly do miss going out for a drink with friends and trivia nights, but next year look out, here I come. (I hope I still feel this way next year.)

The image below is of our patio-squirrel-friend Strawberry.

I've been cooking and baking a lot more these days.

The image below is from an early morning drive to Kittery, ME for some delicious French crullers.

We took a trip to The Salem Museum before the crowds of October arrived.

A leaf reminded me that we are exactly where we need to be.

Things might change around here once STOMAGEDDON is over, but I'll possibly start blogging a little more about life outside of this disease that has meant something. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly that is...

Surgery happened. Yay! The doctor said he removed around twelve inches of rectum. It took them eleven hours for a four to six hour procedure. Doctor's quote "nothing bad happened, it was just difficult." I think about them working on me in that fashion for that long and sometimes I cry. The endurance and stamina these people have, I want to ask how they take breaks or not.

So many emotions have been experienced. Abandonment, loneliness, anger at myself and others. Many of the nurses and their assistants were magical and helped keep my spirits up. One or two others I wouldn't mind helping to find a different line of work because their bedside manner was like licking sandpaper.

Pain has been pretty well managed except for when I want to sit at a desk in a chair for longer than forty-five minutes at a time. Things are just swollen to the point of pain or complete lack of comfort.

Neuropathy has gotten worse so now I walk with a cane sometimes and my typing has reverted to mostly hunting and pecking. Brain is unaware of where my limbs or digits reside.

Wahh, boo hoo, I don't know what else to say right now other than I miss life outside of my house. Which before I probably never would have said out loud being the introverted recluse I enjoy to be.

Em has been the best. She's done things for me that she swore she would never do for anyone and I can't thank her enough. Many date nights to come with exotic locales and cuisines. But shhh, don't tell her, it may still be a surprise.

Lack of funny and disjointed, but here I am with the best nurse I could ask for.

I had my last chemo treatment and I'm mostly starting to feel human again.

I've had a recent barrage of MRI and CT scans that looked very promising and brought with it the slimmest of hopes that I wouldn't need surgery. But fear hope can be a mind killer and with that hope dashed, I will be going under a robotic knife sometime in August.

I really wish that slim chance of no surgery just never came up because try as I might to not get my hopes up (I'm really good at compartmentalizing my emotions) in the end my humanity overcame my internal android, packing emotions in tiny little boxes all folded up like a neat towel, I was slightly crushed to hear the doctor still recommend surgery. And of course this news came after my sigmoidoscopy where the doctor pumped me full of too much gas causing me to become temporarily feverish and vomited all over the floor in the hospital bathroom. I really hope I haven't scared off all the emetophobes, and I'm sorry if I have. Maybe it's better this way.

Internally, mentally (Can mental be external? Come back for my philosophy lecture here at HeadTalks.) there's a tide pool of emotions that just keep crashing like waves into each other. I'm holding things together pretty well according to Em, whom I would like to thank the sages for being with me during the previously mentioned doctor visit. I don't know what I would have done without her there. I would have left, actually, and probably gotten sick on the drive home instead of at the hospital. There she goes saving my life again. Literally the best.

I've been trying to find balance in life again. It's not been easy lately and sometimes it gets hard to remember to take care of myself before others. Eating meals on the patio and watching the squirrels (Strawberry is our most recent "fan of the peanut pile" in the image above) and other wildlife gorge themselves on peanuts has been great. I've been reading more (books, comics, RPGs) and consuming more really good TV (Ms. Marvel, Lincoln Lawyer, The Boys) and the perfection of Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. I've picked up my resin hobby again with some new dice molds and thinking about some new paintings I would like to get going.

Cat tax of the local wanderer, Booger.

"Now that Fortuna had saved him from one cycle, where would she spin him now?" – John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces

SPOILER ALERT: There's a kidney stone image below.

In a couple days I will be undergoing my final infusion for this portion of my cancer treatment. So that means a couple more weeks of ho-hum living, but with less severity of side effects. My most recent infusion was done using a lesser dose and it totally reflected in my side effects being lessened in the couple weeks that followed.

And then my kidney stone woke up after lying dormant for about a month. I spent 12 hours lying on the couch or bed on a heating pad moaning in pain or trotting to the vomitorium (I know that use of the word is apocryphal, but I think the word is fun). Oxy helped for a little bit, ibuprofen and acetaminophen eventually added to that effort, but I was totally unable to find comfort for about five days. There was one day of false recovery in the middle that totally faked me out by giving hope that it was over...again. How sad was I when the pain started back up during the weekend and ruined all my plans? I honestly don't remember because PAIN baby!

I passed the stone or there was a random pebble that fell out of my pocket (that's where everyone keeps their pebbles, right?). I'm no longer in pain, but my week off before my last infusion has been shortened by about half and that's where my infinite sadness begins.

So I guess maybe this IS a happy ending of sorts. I'm saying goodbye to "Pebbles" (thanks for the name mom) and dropping it off at the farm up north (doctor's office) so they can do a DNA test to confirm that it is indeed "that bitch."

I'm really fucking exhausted. Here's hoping my body can catch back up a little before the last infusion.

Cat tax

Crafts: Below you'll find some scrapings, paintings, and models that I've been putting together. The Jolly Roger series will be put on hold because they don't give you a NEEDED rubber band to operate the skeleton's arm, but I like what I have so far.

Foods: I've been cooking more lately when I feel up to it. Below you'll see some fried chicken sandwiches, crispy pork belly, and a savory tomato sauce with ziti. My sister sent us these giant frosted cookies for Em's birthday. They are very decadent and delicious.

Others: A book about space wars along with some puzzles to pass the infusion time and some terrible hospital food, one of the two plants I'm personally caring for,  hike we took, a fun box of puzzles that I helped Kickstart with a very nice production value to them, visible kitty, and hiding kitty.

What have I been watching?

• Schmigadoon -- I just started this and it looks fun as hell.
• Severence -- also at the beginning but I hear good things.
• The Tender Bar -- filmed a couple towns over, Ben Affleck, Daniel Ranieri, Tye Sheridan, and Lily Rabe all do a spectacular job under the direction of George Clooney

There's probably others I forget. Oh right, Moonfall was terrible.

What have I been reading?

• The Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi
• The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemison
• The Human Target comic by Tom King and Greg Smallwood
• And various listenings and readings of the Critical Role DnD experiences.

Short and sweet! Have a cat!