Waiting for ...

Thoughts that should go in a notebook and not online...

I got to hold my boy in the box today. He snuggled right in and curled up with his butt in my face, tail flapping. He sniffed some of his own hair that was statically clinging to the inside of the cardboard, sneezed lightly, then used the tip of his

Crossing realms

What if each near death experience (even the slightest ones) the universe splits into a version with you alive and a version where you died. So you keep living in splits or forks and sometimes they merge and diverge. Things you swore happened are no longer true, but nothing psyche

Work won't love you back

Another work friend was let go today. And the company-wide email says, "the bets we made were the right ones." But the right bet for us would have been not losing our friends at work. The people we show up for, certainly not the dude who sent

I'm sitting here...

And I don't know what to do next. This happens ALL THE TIME.

Still looking to belong

I've been trying to find somewhere I belong for a long time now. I've been reflecting on things I now see I missed the first time around. Social cues, weird rules, things that I wouldn't have cared about anyway even if I had known

A life divergent

From the files of WTF could have been: I worked at The Lakeland Center for this show. It was my first concert working there so I didn't get to watch much (my girlfriend's uncle got me the job and I didn't want to fuck

What's happening?

Moving to a new team with a new manager soon. Hopefully this plays out positively, as usual my anxiety knows no bounds and continues to sabotage my chill. Started a painting of my love and accidentally made her sad on the first pass. I'll fix it in the

So much has happened and continues to happen

There's been good and bad and then some more bad, but also some good. And right now someone's finger is pressing down on the bad side of the scale pretty fucking hard. I want to scream. I will scream. It's weird hearing the values

Love

Cookie Drop #2

Blueberry Cornflake cookies turned out good. Nectarine Oatmeal cookies were a bigger hit among my testers. I ended up with extra cookies this round, so if I continue making this much dough, I'll need to find more testers.

Oh, hi there

It's been a while! I'm making cookies now! The first batch is Cornflake Oatmeal Chocolate Chip. There is a crunchy version where the outer rim is crispy and the middle is softer and chewy. There is a softer version that has a very similar flavor, but

Almost there

One more pre-op appointment next week that I forgot about. It's only to check my stats for the anesthesia and give them a baseline for keeping me alive during my final surgery. OPERATION STOMA REMOVAL will be underway in a week and a half and I'

Staying on target...

This shit has been hard. Physically I have very little stamina and emotionally I teeter on completely drained to the other end of a spectrum of  just anger or depression. Surgery happened. Yay! The doctor said he removed around twelve inches of rectum. It took them eleven hours for a

"Oh, Fortuna, blind, heedless goddess, I am strapped to your wheel."

So much has happened since I last surfaced. I had my last chemo treatment and I'm mostly starting to feel human again. I've had a recent barrage of MRI and CT scans that looked very promising and brought with it the slimmest of hopes that I

This story will have a happy ending...

...it's just not over yet. SPOILER ALERT: There's a kidney stone image below. In a couple days I will be undergoing my final infusion for this portion of my cancer treatment. So that means a couple more weeks of ho-hum living, but with less severity

What have I done?

I don't have much to say today that is very different from before. Each new infusion brings with it the same side effects that just range in value of super bad to not quite so bad. This session was a not quite so bad on the physical limitations

Where did I go wrong?

Round 2 of infusion chemotherapy was kind of hard and this isn't going to get easier to read yet. Put on your imagination cap, there might be a quiz at the end. Cream Cheese French Toast Casserole and a chicken pot pie.Imagine a world where you go

Now the fun begins!

My new favorite hospital bracelet. A yellow hospital bracelet labeled with "FALL RISK."Monday I got my port inserted into my chest. Everything went smoothly, I was awake but sedated for the whole procedure and all I could really tell was someone was pulling some very waxy floss

One Weeks!

Total Recall (1990) two-weeks meme.One more week of radiation/chemo to go and then a couple weeks of down-time before IV chemo begins. This situation has given me a fresh outlook on life and I would like to share that with whomever reads this, but mostly for

A pain like no other.

I experienced a pain last night that was new to me. Let me set this up a little bit. It might get weird. Last year when I first started being concerned about my health prior to my cancer diagnosis I was experiencing a pain in my lower abdomen where I

Day One

It's kind of like Batman: Year One but actually nothing like it except the concept of time passing and the number one in the title. Current image of me with vintage Batman Superfriends mask poorly edited onto my face.I laid down on a bed today with some

Another Donut to Love

Content Warning: Did you get the memo [https://firstbytegames.com/butt-stuff/]? Today was my first trip to the radioactive love hotel [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_hotel]. It was only a simulation [https://health.ucdavis.edu/radonc/patients/Rx_stepbystep.html] so they could size me up with

Trigger Warning/Content Warning: Butt Stuff

Due to the nature of where my tumor has taken residence within my body, there will be talk about butt stuff. This shit might get gross, but whatever, we all have assholes. This is your warning to check-out if that isn't your thing. You aren't

Sitting alone in a room for an hour with just my thoughts and a warm blanket.

I feel like this would be torture for some people I know, but it was fine. Last week I had a PET Scan, it went well. The results were positive. Everything is as they expected but less bad. They take you to a room, give you some radioactive sugars through

Who actually likes liver and onions?

MRI #2 (the liver one) came back with some great results. I even got to ride in the Double-Magnetron (Twice the power! Warmer Bed! Loud as fuck!). The nurse said it was all just marketing mumbo-jumbo (spell check says this could be mambo-jumbo, dumbo-jumbo, gumbo-jumbo,